In February I had a loss at around 6 weeks pregnant. I do not know if the pregnancy even made it to 6 weeks…the dates were off from the beginning and I just knew deep down something wasn’t adding up. All in all, it was hell…but I got through it. It messed with me, but I got over it, one thing that I didn’t think about was getting pregnant again. I thought I would get pregnant again and it would be fine, a new pregnancy I wouldn’t think about the loss. That is the farthest from the truth and I do not think anyone can understand that unless they have had a loss themselves.
I have a lot of people that keep asking me about the baby and sometimes I just get so overwhelmed because I am 20 weeks pregnant, the baby is healthy and always moving around but I cannot bring myself to get attatched to him yet. It is the hardest thing to explain, but I am going to try to explain to the best that I can.
At first I just wanted to get passed that 6 week mark, just to make sure I wasn’t going to have another 6 week miscarriage. It was a mind game. Then at 8 weeks I finally got to see the heart beat. I waited for weeks for that day, and I thought once I saw the heart beat my worries would go away. Did they? NO. I then waited because I just wanted to hear the heart beat and be out of the first trimester at 12 weeks. Waited for that time to get here, swore that was it, I was going to ease my mind. It eased it, for like a second. Then I worried until we got the sonogram last week….healthy baby…thought …”yay i am going to start buying for baby” have I bought anything yet? NOPE. I cannot bring myself to buy anything even though I know he is healthy and moving in there all the time but I just want to get to where he is viable. I want to know if something was to happen there is some hope of this baby surviving.
I was never like this with Xavier, it is all because of the miscarriage. I am not going to be happy until I am 37 weeks, full term and knowing this baby is going to be in my arms. That is all I want. I am trying to enjoy the pregnancy, but I have come to the realization that I am not going to stop worrying until the baby is in my arms. Every worry is going to be there, there is not going to be one time in this pregnancy that I am not counting the weeks and wondering if I am going to make it full term and have a healthy baby.
Some people might not ever understand that. I get frustrated because sometimes I just do not want to talk about baby, or think about baby, or anything baby because when I am awake I am constantly breathing baby. It is hard, it is very hard. I am constantly counting weeks and minutes….but it will be all worth it…..I hope!
